Without even thinking I called the 7 year old over whilst shouting 'come here and look at this zebras massive willy', and she did. And was equally shocked. But omg! What was I on calling her over to check that bad boy out?! I forgot I wasn't with my mates, probably because I'm constantly with the kids that I've lost that line between mum and mate.
Well I haven't actually, because not long after, she told me she had taken a photo of its bum and I told her off for being disgusting and I would delete that picture straight away and tell grandma! I love my double standards. It's so much fun. Keeps the kids right on their toes.
Funny though because I realised how little power I have with these kids without resorting to threats. Ever changing threats as well.
For example today I kept telling the boy if he didn't behave, or stop doing the multitude of things I didn't want him to keep doing then I would feed him to the lions. I kept that one going all the time we were at the wildlife park.
When he pushed me too far (actually to the point where I would've fed him to the lions) I picked him up and started walking him in the direction of the lions saying 'that's it now I've had enough, we're going to the lions.' And he cried, (possibly fake 'lets humour this weirdo we call mummy') promised to behave, until a whole minute passed and he forgot about the lions and I had to do it all again.
His memory, incidentally isn't quite so short when I promise ice cream after lunch, as if by magic he doesn't forget that sort of stuff! But remembering to behave, forgets in a flash!
The girl isn't quite so dim, she knows that I'd get into massive trouble if I was caught dangling boy into the lion enclosure, so I have to be 'cleverer' when threatening her. It's goes like this:
'You do that again and I will confiscate your iPad'
Done! She behaves.
All it takes! I love Apple products. Maybe their staff are geniuses after all!
Once we get home, the behaviour threats change again. There's no lions at home. Dirty pigs and naughty monkeys, but no lions.
Once we were sat in the bath and as the plug came out, the water made a big sucking gurgling draining noise as it went down the pipes. He was still sat by the plug at this point and jumped a mile asking what that big noise was.
I took my opportunity while I had it and thus the 'Plug Monster' was born.
The plug monster listens through the plug holes and if boys are naughty, out he comes to suck the naughty boy into the plug hole.
And boy buys this bullshit!
Whenever he's naughty at home and pushes those wrong buttons, I turn on a tap or go upstairs and start calling the plug monster! He runs in promising to be good. I tell the plug monster to hang fire and the day continues. Until the next episode.
My whole life is built around fiction. And threats. And bargaining. And bribery. Oh and monsters.
What am I going to be like when I go back to work. Imagine the scene:
Boss says something controversial as they do
Me: I can't believe you've just said that.
Boss: Well I just did. Now do something about it
Me: I beg your pardon, don't you speak to me like that young man, if I hear that one more time I am going to get that evil little chimp out of the filing cabinet and he will come and wash that mouth out with evil chimp juice which will rot your tongue and make it fall out.
Boss: Erm, ok. Erm, do you think you possibly will benefit from some time with occupational health Nicole?
Me: *hangs head in shame* when sees boss is grown boy and isn't wearing wellies.
I know there's mums out there that will be shaking their little 'how to be a perfect parent' book at me. That parent who feeds Petunia organic cardboard and makes Petunia do all her times tables before she's allowed to eat, and Petunia always washes her hands before tea instead of just licking them clean and wiping them down mummies leg.
That parent will have flour on her face from that fresh batch of bread she's just baked, but she will also have quite hairy armpits (this is my visual so leave me alone ok).
But this parent, will never resort to threats with Petunia. Mainly because Petunia doesn't move much, she's too busy writing encyclopaedias. And threats mean you've totally lost control of the situation or your kids would listen when they are told first time. (Petunias mum can be a bit of a bitch sometimes).
Well, mine don't listen. I don't think they even have ears and if they have ears I don't think they have mastered what they are for- unless it involves ice cream. So until the day they realise I'm the boss (2030) or until the day their ears start to work, I will continue to use Apple type threats for one child and a huge variation of monsters and bargaining tools for the other. I didn't realise what a great imagination I had to think all this stuff up on the spot until now.
No wonder I have kids like I do.!
Maybe, just maybe, they take after the young version of me.
Well that's what my mother says to me, 'they are just like you used to be, these kids are the image of you'. Well I think that's what she said, I can't honestly remember, my ears stopped working at the time.
